Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dr. Rajnikanth... PhD

In this heart throbbing, jaw dropping and bowels moving flick, all almighty Rajni embarks on a different course to save the world. Deserting the path of "violence" he decides to hold back on his physical prowess and employs his intellectual prowess to lift the world out of the swamp of unsolved problems. He is "the beautiful mind" of India in this "written-by-a-bunch-of-doped-up-writers" drama... Dr. Rajnikanth....PhD.

The Plot:

[Scene of qualifying exam]

Rajni's back is facing the committee as he explains away his solution.

Rajni: "...yend my solution has..."

Committee Member (CM) 1: "But how is it possible? The problem is NP-hard"

CM 2: "People have worked on this for years. Even the best of the best haven't found any polynomial time solution"

Upon hearing this, Rajni swings a look back at the committee and takes off his dark goggles in his signature style and flicks it away towards the ceiling. It doesnt come back. Committee members are speechless.

Rajni: "YenP hard... machaa?.. nothing is hard for Rajni. Rajni can do yenything and yevery thing..."

Silence ensues as committee members are still astounded as the flicked away goggles is stuck in the midair defying gravity. Like regaining consciousness from coma one of the committee member awakens to break the silence.

CM 3: "Who the hell is Rajni?"

Outside CM: "He is addressing himself as a third person"

Rest of the CMs: "oh"

CM 1: "But nobody has yet been able to solve this problem"

Rajni: "Yam not nobody..yam Rajni"

To the surprise of committee members once again, out of nowhere, sounds of drums and whistles fill the air as the midair stuck goggle finally drop into Rajni's hand and continue its journey to its final destination in Rajni's style. Rajni's hands raised. Sounds stop. One committee member faints.

CM 4: "What is the time complexity of your algorithm".

Rajni flicks the finger. Slide changes.

Rajni: "Yit is...yorder of one".

Another committee member faints.

CM 2: "How can you solve an NP-hard problem with an algorithm that runs in a constant time. This is insane. We must see your proof of optimality".

Rajni: "Rajni doesnt prove yenything.. proof proves yitself".

Equations starts appearing on the screen proving the optimality. Rest of the committee members faint.

And thus Rajni passes his qualifying exam a day after he joined the PhD program at USC. Needless to say he was exempted from the screening exam. Having worked "hard" for a day and having passed the qualifying exam Rajni decides to take the rest of the day off, to chill. Completely dazzled by his charm the department secretary, the blondie, decides to take the rest of the day off as well and agrees to run around trees and sing. As Rajni is dropping her off at her place after the drinks she decides to invite him over for coffee. Up in the apartment, awed by his personality, the secretary lays a kiss on his 'thick mustache' topped lips. (Warning: The next sentence may gross you out. Precaution is advised) Things get hot and heavy as the taste of spicy sambhar in Rajni's mustache turns her on.... (Fill in the rest with your imagination ;) )

After the heavy night, to avoid the embarrassing morning, Rajni sneaks away in the middle of the night. But the fate had something else in the box for Rajni. As he is passing through the dark corners of USC neighborhood on the way to his house, shared with six other desis, a mugger jumps out of nowhere and brandishes a gun demanding for money. Rajni smirks as the sounds of laughter appear out of nowhere scaring the shit out of the mugger. Under the nervousness the mugger fires. The bullet wheezes through air towards Rajni. Gets close to Rajni and stops there for a fraction of a second as if thinking whether to attempt to trespass the territory that has never been violated by any bullet. Unexpected (not really) thing happens. Bullet finds its way back into the gun. But having decided to desert the use of physical prowess in the favor of intellectual prowess, and hence PhD, Rajni decides to tackle the matter differently altogether. He gets the mugger on the side and explains him the proof of his solution he worked on for his quals. Mugger dies. Rajni's eyes shine with glitter as if he has found something new.

Next morning: 30 "registered" muggers found dead in unexplainable mysterious circumstances.

Having found the cause of those mysterious deaths and menaced by Rajni local gang members decide to take the matters in their own hands (As if "kaanoon (law)" is going to help them). Gangsters kidnap the blondie on the day of Rajni's defense. His fourth day at school.

Only a few daring and challenge loving profs have agreed to serve on Rajni's defense committee, having his reputation preceding him, by now. Learning from the qual experiences paramedics are present in the room, just in case. So are the priests.... just in case. As Rajni proceeds with his defense and is midway through it and by when one of the committee member is already carried away to ICU, an emergency call comes for Rajni. Its the gang members seeking revenge. He runs to save her, leaving his defense midway. His defense defends itself. As a result the rest of the committee members join their retired colleague.

At the gang house the gangsters are using sound proof earmuffs to avoid listening to Rajni's arguments and succumbing to death. Having denounced the physical prowess Rajni finds himself in a dilemma. Looks around to find a piece of paper and pencil but none is available ('smart' gang members). He takes away AK-47 from one of the guys and starts firing equations in the wall, yielding a final equation for the frequency of the modulating signal that will cancel itself as it passes through the earmuffs forcing the gang members to listen to the proof of his solution, his sole weapon of the mass killing of gang members. (Pardon the technical inaccuracy). Needless to say they die.

Blondie is saved and is wrapped around in Rajni's arms. Rajni graduates the next day. With the fastest PhD ever he becomes Dr. Rajnikanth..PhD. Nine months later, little Rajni, the prodigy appears. The sequel is on its way.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Lingering words

Entangled my thoughts were
In your heaving curly hair
With the fragrance captivating
Of emancipation they don't dare

Though eager to capture your beauty
Were my mundane words
Lingered there they with a sigh
As you vanished in the herd